Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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