I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
