Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
