I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
