This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
