then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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