Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
