"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize