I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
