so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
