we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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