I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
