last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
