im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
