forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize