Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
