96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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