someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I faked an abortion last night.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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