On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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