i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
