every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
