When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
