Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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