I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
