All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
