ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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