I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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