Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i came on her dog
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
