I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I am available for nakedness
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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