Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
