I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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