mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
