I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
