dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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