oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
