I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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