see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My cat gives me a boner
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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