god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize