I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
