plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
They are going to name an STD after you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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