What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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