Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
