All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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