capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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