highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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