one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
