dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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