sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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