the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
