I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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